From Napa Valley to Bordeaux, Burgundy to Piedmont, the regions containing the world’s most expensive wines are under siege. Young wine drinkers, armed with pitch forks, torches and GPS enabled iPhones are traveling from one incredibly overpriced vineyard to the next, looting the cellars, drinking right out of the bottle and dancing to what sources are saying is hip-hop music.
The first reports came from representatives of Screaming Eagle and Harlan Estates in California’s Napa Valley. Reports soon followed from Opus One Winery and Caymus Vineyards. Michael Silacci, winemaker at Opus One was stunned as his fortress-like enclave was quickly overrun with twenty-somethings. “They came and took everything,” he wimpered, “what they couldn’t carry they drank right on the spot! The humanity!” Silacci said.
The youths are not claiming to be part of a larger organization but they are yelling and shouting phrases like “let the revolution begin” and “wine is not just for the rich.” One masked wine bandit claimed, “we are reclaiming the wine world, one status symbol at a time. Why should this be for only old, rich, white men? Wine is meant to be shared by everyone! Viva la revolucion siempre!” While there are distinct political messages the young wine drinkers seem to be enjoying themselves. Dressed in brigh colored t-shirts, skinny jeans and funky hair cuts the wine riot is bringing it’s own music and photo booths along with them.
A little after midnight in Paris, reports came in of large numbers of youths gathering in cities like Bordeaux, Beaune and Reims. By 2:00am (Paris) there were DJ decks set up in the cellars of some of France’s most prized Chateaux and young people opening every bottle the can find. “The ’47 is gone! It’s all gone!” screamed Pierre Lurton, winemaker for Chateau Cheval Blanc.
The National Guard was called to Napa Valley but due to the lack of troops because of the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, little has been done. President Obama was commented on the lack of military support, “We’re in the process of fighting two wars and getting the economy back on track. A few kids breaking into already overpriced wineries is a low priority right now. Eventually they’ll get drunk and pass out.”
As of press the global wine riot showed no signs of stopping as the angry mob in France could be heard chanting “bring us the head of Michele Roland!” as they marched through the Medoc on their way to Margeaux.
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I LOVE how you worked the words “Wine Riot” into the headline! Well played, sir!
Hipsters dancing in the winery is my fav!
i’m sure the national guard rolled their eyes and sighed, ‘anything but the skinny jeans!’
Don’t mistake whimpering for wheezing, I was trying to keep up with the imbibers afoot. I am, after all, a Millennial wannabe.
Damn and I was hoping to get some of that ‘47 – oh well, 2-buck Chuck it is.
Hello there, Happy April Fool’s Day!!!
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak…”woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.”
“That’s amazing!” exclaimed the father.
“You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?”
“No,” said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago!”
Happy April Fool’s Day!