Once while reading a description of the classic characteristics of the Malbec grape I was struck by the similarities between said varietal and one of my ex-boyfriend’s characteristics (difficult to grow, thin-skinned, temperamental, prone to infidelity…oops, maybe not that last one). Then as I flipped through the index of varietals I was flooded with recognition of different characters from the bar and my life. Seeing as I targeted the women of the species last week, it seems only fair that I get a run at the dudes this time around.
Cabernet Sauvignon: The Quarterback
Think Tom Brady
This undisputed “King” of red wines is the handsome, strong quarterback beloved by men and women alike. Down –to-earth with notes of plum, currants and black cherry, this grape has firm tannins that match your golden boy’s firm morals.
Easy to grow and described as “steady and consistent”, this varietal will never stand you up on prom night or knock up your best friend (err, unless your best friend happens to be Bridget Moynahan). Ok, maybe Cab can be a bit of a playboy from time to time, but his heart is always in the right place.
As a cab ages he goes from “QB” to “Elder Statesmen”. Still a man’s man, but now with an air of maturity and sophistication and an even stronger finish. Swoon!
Zinfandel: The Rockstar
Think Tommy Lee
The Zin is characterized by big, bold flavors and a distinctly zesty pepper taste. It can be described as “spicy” and fruit forward. The Zin can only be a big, bad rockstar.
You know who I am talking about, the kind of man who your momma warned you about. Back in high school he drove a muscle car and smoked in the boy’s room. The heavy body and fierce spice are undeniably masculine, but the light fruitiness allows for the sparkling spandex worn during his hair band phase.
This Zin takes awhile to mature; berry size varies significantly within a bunch which can lead to uneven ripening. The cure for this is to let the grape stay on the vine for as long as possible (Hello, super senior!). Be wary though, too much of this varietal can lead to a massive hangover….or the clap.
Chardonnay: The Silver Fox
Think George Clooney
I know, I know, you are thinking, “Chardonnay? Really? You’re going to compare George Clooney to a wine my Grandma drinks?!” Well, my friend, there is a lot about Chardonnay you clearly do not know.
If Cab Sauv is the King of reds, than the Chard grape would certainly be dubbed the King of whites. It is an excellent, rich, complex varietal that can be amazingly versatile. It comprises some of the most remarkable (and remarkably expensive) wines in the entire world such as Montrachet, Meursault, and Pouilly-Fuisse’s. It’s even used in the Champagne region to create top dollar bubbly.
Chardonnay can be bold, it can be bright or light, it can be fruity or oaky, but it is always tasteful and refined. So, what if Grandma digs Chardonnay? My guess is she would let George Clooney put his shoes under her bed anytime too.
My last recommendation? Ladies, I would avoid any man who has similar attributes to a Pinot Grigio (light, floral, fruity). Chances are he’s just not that into you.
The part about “Franzia: Think Jimmy Fallon” must have been left on the cutting room floor.