Young & Intoxicated: True Horror Stories of Wining and Dining

Thus far, I have regaled you with ways to succeed with the opposite sex and their parents, so I think it’s about time that I told you what NOT to do. As a person who has been in the service industry for 8 years I have witnessed many dates, some ending well… and some ending with me escorting a maligned man or woman out the kitchen exit. Here are a few guidelines so that you don’t end up the butt end of a dating urban legend.

I. Thou Shalt Not Be A Cheapskate.

Okay, I know we are in a recession and y’all are po’ but let’s not forget the cardinal rules of romance, people! The first date is your opportunity to impress. There’s no need to go to a fancy restaurant but you should be able to get creative if you are on a shoestring budget. Picnic on the commons? Cook dinner at home? All good and fiscally-responsible ideas.

Horror Story:

One of my very good friends went on a first date with a guy who seemed to have a lot of promise. She met him at a trendy tapas bar they were both excited to try and settled into a cozy booth. He commandeered the wine list and began to peruse. Personally, I like a man who can take charge, so I am all for this move. However, he then piped up, “Wow, they have a bottle of wine on here for fifteen dollars. I have never seen a bottle of wine so cheap on a wine list ever”. Then he proceeded to order it.

Obviously, here at the Second Glass, we promote best bang-for-your-buck wines, but under the condition they are good. Also, the type of wine you order (especially on a first date) reflects what you think your date is worth. If you are really curious to try that cheap bottle, just order it by name and don’t make a big show about the low price tag. Just like bragging about how much money you make is gut-turning, so is making a point of how little money you have/want to spend. This is going to sound old fashioned, but I do believe the man (OR the person who initiated the date) should foot the bill for the first date. Consider it a test: any person who is worth a second date will automatically offer to buy drinks at a different venue that evening or “pick up the check next time”. As for my friend? She split the paltry bill with Mr. Deep Pockets and then “spotted him” bus fare home. There was not a second date.

Solution:

If you don’t have the funds to take your gal or guy out, stay in. Check out The Second Glass’s “Wine of the Weekend” for tasty and fiscally-responsible bottles that you can pair with your choice of cuisine. In the mood for spicy thai? Get a crisp New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc that will cut the rich spices. My suggestion would be the Kim Crawford. Grape-fruity deliciousness that will please any palate.

II. Thou Shalt Not Get Wasted.

Nothing ruins a date faster than slurred words and a bit of dribble. Trust me. Your seemingly intelligent date turns into a drugged aardvark after tipping back one too many cosmo’s and you are left with a hefty bar tab and apologies to the manager. Save the hard core boozing for after you’re married and can’t stand each other’s faces.

Horror Story:

I once waited on a young couple during their first date. Through the appetizers and first bottle of wine they seemed like they were getting on like wildfire. There were definitely sparks…until the guy had three after-dinner doubles of Jack Daniels and began to discuss his “mind blowing” sex life with his recent ex. Who he wanted back. And who had a restraining order against him. The sparks quickly turned into a funeral pyre as I watched the chick’s face pale in distress and ask for the bill in a clipped tone. Moral of the story? DON’T GET DRUNK! It may make you reveal more than is seemly. Like they said in WWII, “Loose lips sink ships”….and your chances of getting any.

Solution:

Instead of going straight to Patron, slow down and order a glass of wine. Try a deep red and sip slowly. I would go for a Malbec; most restaurants have a very affordable option of wines by the glass. Also, try to pace yourself. Glass of water to match every glass of wine will keep you hydrated, fresh, and with your best face forward.

III. Thou Shalt Not Be Bat-Sh*T Crazy.

I hate to turn against my sisters here, but from what I’ve seen at the bar, women seem much more likely to be completely insane on dates with booze involved. Likewise, I have seen men profess love to their dates (or worse- me) after barely a glass of vino. My advice – reel it in, people! A quick list of no-no topics for men and women: exes, issues with your parents, aggressive and unending discussion of your beloved pet (Oh God, please no pictures of your dear Tiggly-Wiggly), or your fascination with serial killers.

Horror Story:

A stunning blonde in her early 30’s sat at my bar a couple of weeks ago. I grabbed her a glass of Pinot Grigio and she informed me that she was meeting a blind date. I wished her well and told her I would keep an eye on the situation for her. When Mr. Blind Date showed up both our jaws dropped. He was David Beckham meets Brad Pitt good looking. Blondie Pinot Grigio-Pants was thrilled and they opted to stay at the bar. After the first course, I caught her scrolling through her iPhone and showing him pictures of her cats (first no-no) and then her nieces and nephews and informing him that she wanted to be pregnant in no less than two years or as soon as possible (huge no-no).

He handled it like a gentleman and excused himself to the restroom, presumably to retch. She then grabbed my wrist like a vice and said “He’s a lawyer. And hot. I want him to put a baby in me NOW”. This was crazy-needle-punch-in-the-condom talk. I quickly washed my hands of the situation and only sadly shook my head when he rapidly picked up the check and she was still blabbing about popular baby names.

Solution:

Unfortunately, no “magic” wine will make you less crazy or him or her immune to your insanity. Perhaps pick an interesting varietal that you learned about on our website and steer the conversation that way, rather than focus on your biological clock or how you struggle with asthma on a daily basis.

That’s all from the peanut gallery this week. You may agree or disagree, think I am being sexist or using gross generalities but this is all true observations of human nature. Well, at least human nature on a few vodka martinis.